Thursday, February 05, 2009

Any Significance...

There is a giant heap of thoughts bouncing around it my head, and it’s starting to become more than confusing. Each time I start to contemplate things...pain, frustration, irritation, embarrassment, shame, anger.

Are people naturally bad and yearn to be good; or are we good and choose to be bad. What is good? Who decides – why is it ‘their’ opinion that matters. Or does it? I used to be good, then bad, then good, now bad. (But, by my definition, of course.) So what is it? Am I trying to be something I’m not or something I am?

Wow. This world is screwed up. I don’t belong – I think that’s good. I don’t want to be ‘of’ this world. I am, however, ‘in’ it...

I’ve attached myself to people and things that changed me. No, they didn’t change me, I changed for them. It was reckless. I’ve poured endless amounts of time and heart into these endeavors...nothing to show, nothing of worth. I wanted it to matter. It’s so superficial, you are so superficial. Open your eyes. Do I press on in hopes that doing the right thing will pay off? Continue to get walked on? Yes, maybe?

I’m not in control. I never was. I never will be. So, is this fate? Do I have a say, or don’t I? I’m not sure I want that power. I don’t trust myself with it.

I’ll keep growing, and learning, and looking for strength. I have to.

Nothing makes sense. Nothing.

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