Distroying What Seeks To Distroy Me...

I love this.

This is from The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

In his story, he and some others were on a bus trip that took them to the outskirts of heaven. There, they are able to get a glimpse of true reality - about heaven and themselves. The people from the bus trip are "ghosts" and each "Ghost" has something he must give up.

I saw coming towards us a Ghost who carried something on his shoulder. Like all the Ghosts, he was unsubstantial, but they differed from one another as smokes differ. Some had been whitish; this one was dark and oily. What sat on his shoulder was a little red lizard, and it was twitching its tail like a whip and whispering things in his ear. As we caught sight of him he turned his head to the reptile with a snarl of impatience. "Shut up, I tell you!" he said. It wagged its tail and continued to whisper to him. He ceased snarling, and presently began to smile. Then he turned and started to limp westward, away from the mountains.

"Off so soon?" said a voice.

The speaker was more or less human in shape but larger than a man, and so bright that I could hardly look at him. His presence smote on my eyes and on my body too (for there was heat coming from him as well as light) like the morning sun at the beginning of a tyrannous summer day.

"Yes, I'm off," said the Ghost. "Thanks for all your hospitality. But it's no good, you see. I told this little chap," (here he indicated the lizard), "that he'd have to be quiet if he came - which he insisted on doing. Of course his stuff won't do here: I realize that. But he won't stop. I shall just have to go home

"Would you like me to make him quiet?" said the flaming Spirit - an angel, as I now understood.

"Of course I would," said the Ghost.

"Then I will kill him," said the Angel, taking a step forward.

"Oh - ah - look out! You're burning me. Keep away," said the Ghost retreating.

"Don't you want him killed?" said the Angel.

"You didn't say anything about killing him at first. I hardly meant to bother you with something so drastic as that."

"It's the only way," said the Angel, whose burning hands were now very close to the lizard. "Shall I kill it?"

"Well, that's a further question. I'm quite open to consider it, but it's a new point, isn't it? I mean, for the moment I was only thinking about silencing it..." said the Ghost.

"May I kill it?" asked the Angel.

"Well, there's time to discuss that later" said the Ghost.

"There is no time. May I kill it?"

Please, I never meant to be such a nuisance. Please - really - don't bother. Look! It's gone to sleep of its own accord. I'm sure it will be all right now. Thanks ever so much."

"May I kill it?"

"Honestly, I don't think there's the slightest necessity for that. I'm sure I shall be able to keep it in order now. I think the gradual process would be far better than killing it." said the Ghost.

"The gradual process is of no use at all."

"Don't you think so? Well, I'll think over what you've said very carefully. I honestly will. In fact I'd let you kill it now, but as a matter of fact I'm not feeling frightfully well today. It would be silly to do it now. I'd need to be in good health for the operation. Some other day, perhaps."

"There is no other day. All days are present now."

"Get back! You're burning me. How can I tell you to kill it? You'd kill me if you did."

"It is not so."

"Why, you're hurting me now."

"I never said it wouldn't hurt you. I said it wouldn't kill you"...

The Angel's hands were almost closed on the Lizard, but not quite. Then the Lizard began chattering to the Ghost so loud that even I could hear what it was saying.

"Be careful," it said. "He can do what he says. He can kill me. One fatal word from you and he will! Then you'll be without me forever and ever. It's not natural. How could you live? You'd only be a sort of ghost, not a real man as you are now. He doesn't understand. He's only a cold, bloodless abstract thing. It may be natural for him, but it isn't for us. Yes, yes. I know there are no real pleasures now, only dreams. But aren't they better than nothing? And I'll be so good. I admit I've sometimes gone too far in the past, but I promise I won't do it again. I'll give you nothing but really nice dreams - all sweet and fresh and almost innocent. You might say, quite innocent..."

"Have I your permission?" asked the Angel to the Ghost.

"I know it will kill me."

"It won't. But supposing it did?" asked the Angel

"You're right. It would be better to be dead than to live with this creature."

"Then I may?"

"...Go on can't you! Get it over. Do what you like," bellowed the Ghost: but ended, whimpering, "God help me. God help me."

Next moment the Ghost gave a scream of agony such as I never heard on Earth. The Burning One closed his crimson grip on the reptile: twisted it, while it bit and writhed, and then flung it, broken backed on the turf.

What a great reminder. Satan is a LIAR and DECEIVER. And sometimes we have to make radical choices in order to follow Jesus. It isn't always easy and doesn't always 'feel good'. But, it will be worth it. It will be MORE than worth it.

If You Are Willing...

A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus, begging to be healed. “If you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean,” he said. Moved with compassion, Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” instantly the leprosy disappeared, and the man was healed. 

-Mark 1:40-42

Jesus may not physically be in front of me...and I may not have 'leprosy', per say, but...I've still got dirt. I still have frequent moments where I need to fall on my face and ask Jesus to make me clean. There is nothing I can do to fix my 'human condition'...nothing. There is only one way. One truth. One life. And that one touch is enough. His grace IS enough.

So, here I go. Kneeling in front of my savior. Begging to be healed. Lord, if you are willing...make me clean. Because you're the only one who can. 

He Hears My Voice...

Man, life gets hard sometimes. And life gets really dark sometimes. I start to wonder if I'm ever going to get a break. If there is ever a way out. I'm quick to believe the lies that Satan feeds me. I start thinking there is no use. It's too hard. God has had enough of my bull sh*t. I've been down this road. It's nothing new. I should have learned. I'M sick of trying to give myself second, third, fourth...hundred-and-fifty-seven-thousandth chance. Why would someone so perfect take me back again and again. I just always start to wonder. 

But, my God is so gracious and so merciful and his love abounds! I love when He brings me back to that place. That place where His love is so real. His mercy is so fresh. His grace is so amazing.

This Psalm is so perfect when I'm in these moments. I need to be reminded that God hears my voice. He BENDS DOWN TO LISTEN. Is that not a beautiful picture? 

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Please, Lord, save me!” How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord’s presence as I live here on earth!

-Psalm 116:1-9

Everything...

Everything.

The current series at Indy Metro Church is entitled 'Everything'. The focus is simple, yet profound...an act of generosity, big or small, will produce a ripple effect that will have an impact each person it touches.

As a church, we are committed to living generously and inspiring others to do the same. This recent 'challenge' has further fueled my desire to live a Christ-centered, grace-filled, life of generosity.

I'd like to share a couple quick stories in hopes that you will be spurred to take a step outside of you comfort zone and let that chain of generous events start happening where ever you are.

Dollar Store.

Last weekend, I ran into the dollar store to grab a couple things and noticed a older woman and a frail little lady she kept calling mother. As I overheard bits and pieces of their conversation, I just wanted to 'awww' at their comments about the cheesy knick-knacks.

As I walked to the checkout, they stepped in line behind me. I heard the daughter say, "Mom, that is beautiful." As I turned to see what she had picked up, the mom was holding one of those dream catchers, telling her daughter that it would bring her good luck (I didn't think that was how those 'worked' but...nonetheless).

I swiped my card and the cash back option popped up. I quickly turned around to count how many items the ladies had sat on the counter. (This dollar store happened to be a 'real' dollar store...where everything is actually a dollar.) I chose my cash back amount and as the cashier handed me my $10 bill, I handed it right back and asked her to put it toward the ladies behind me.

My attempt to be discreet about the whole thing, was foiled by the cashiers response. She kept asking what I meant and looking at me like I was a crazy person. But, I guess that is a valid response to our culture's 'it's all about me' attitude.

Gatorade.

Today, I was on my way to drop a carload of stuff off at Goodwill and drove by a couple guys holding up those side-of-the-road-advertising signs...you know, like the Cash 4 Gold ones. It wasn't extremely hot, but it was the middle of the afternoon and pretty sunny...so, I decided I'd stop and buy them a cold drink.

I drove up to the next gas station, bought them each a Gatorade and pack of cookies and headed back to drop off the little snack. I hoped out of my car and walked up to them. I'll admit, it was a little awkward at first, but that didn't last long. The first guy asked me why I was doing this and I told him just because...he asked if he could give me a hug. The second guy was a little hessitant to take my tiny gift and told me to give it to the other guy.

I told them to have a good one and started walking back to my car. As I turned around the second guy yelled at me and asked to 'see my ink'. So, I walked back and I got to explain what my tattoos meant and before I knew it, he was talking my ear off.

He showed me an old gang-related tattoo on his arm that he was in the process of getting covered up. He told me about the amazing things Jesus had done in his life and how He had rescued him. He even invited me to his church.

The three of us chatted a little while longer as the traffic zoomed by and then I jumped in my car and drove away.

--

For a couple ideas on how you can be generous, check out these suggestions for
cultivating generosity . 

Make It Through...

Life isn't easy. It's really hard. It really hurts sometimes. Most of it makes very little sense. But that's nothing new and it's nothing profound. I'm just being reminded of it all. And reminded of how easy it is to want to give up and give in. That's exactly what I've been doing. Of course that never really works. Nothing ever really goes away simply because you chose to ignore it. You've got to face it. Walk right up to that giant and look him in the eye. Walk through the rain. There is hope. There is help. It's coming. Don't give up. Please, don't give up. I have got to remind myself every single day that God is bigger and God is stronger and He is my strength and He is my help. I'm going to make it through. Jesus truly IS the only name that will pull me though. Hold on.

Hold On - Rapture Ruckus

You Gotta Hold On

Help Is Coming

You Gotta Hold On

You're Going To Make It Through The Rain

Through The Rain Through The Pain

Through The Fire And Flame

The Same Name I Cling To

The Same Name That Remains Forever

The Name Above All Names

Above Death And The Grave

The Name That Cures Cancer

And Gives Strength To The Lame

The Same Name That Came And Shattered My Chains

The Same Name That Will Come And Do The Same Again For You

He's Going To Come Through

Yes It's True

Jesus The Only Name That Will Pull You Through

You Gotta Hold On

Help Is Coming

You Gotta Hold On

You're Going To Make It Through The Rain

'Cause He Said He'll Never Leave Us

Nor Forsake Us Man And That's The Only

Word You Need To Hold To

And You'll Never Be Lonely Homie

I Know I Ain't The Only Person Out There Hurting

Who's Flirted With Thought Of Ending It All

But Been Averted And I Know So Many Out There Who Have Had It Much Harder

They Got No Food In Their Bellies

Got No Mothers Or Fathers

So Many Questions Out There That Need Answers To But Even If It Comes Down To The Final Hour

Man He'll Still Come Through

You Gotta Hold On

Help Is Coming

You Gotta Hold On

You're Going To Make It Through The Rain

If You're Waiting For A Miracle

You Gotta Hold On

You Gotta Make It Through The Rain

Through The Rain

Through The Flame

You Are The Name Above Every Name

Jesus The Name Above All Names

Do Not Mix...

New and old DO NOT mix. I guess it really is that simple.

“Besides, who would patch old clothing with new cloth? For the new patch would shrink and rip away from the old cloth, leaving an even bigger tear than before. “And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost. New wine calls for new wineskins.”

-Mark 2:21-22

I'm so thankful for this reminder...a reminder and maybe even a little bit of a warning.

Thank you for making me new, Jesus. Please stop me from trying to mix the new with the old. You are all that I need.

Save A Life...

Please take a minute today to help save a life tomorrow.

Vote now and help the Kristin Brooks Hope Center win up to $250,000 for suicide prevention. 100% of the proceeds will go directly toward creating the first online peer-to-peer crisis network. Vote now to bring the hope and help of 1(800)SUICIDE to the web.

1. Vote online here. (It's free and only takes a few steps.)
http://bit.ly/vote_hope

2. Personally ask friends and family to vote too.

3. Post a status update on Facebook, Twitter or elsewhere. "Please vote for Kristin Brooks Hope Center to win $250 K for online suicide prevention: http://bit.ly/vote_hope

4. You can vote for both the Kristen Brooks Hope Center and Active Minds. (Voting ends July 12th.)

Semper Fi...

I've prayed that prayer so many times...the one that goes something like, "God, let my heart be broken for the things your heart breaks for..." and along with this I've prayed a TON of other prayers that sometimes may have just been things I 'thought' I should be praying for. So many times I've failed to grasp the words coming out of my mouth. And more than once, God has answered those prayers...the ones I hadn't the faintest idea what I was asking for. 

This is without a doubt one of the biggest, if not the biggest, situation my heart has been broken for. A childhood friend of mine lost her husband on March 24, 2010 while he was serving in Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan. 

I've never met Jake, and haven't seen my old friend for years...but I've shed so many tears over this death. My heart has honestly been broken again and again. I'll chalk part of that heart break and a few of those tears to the fact that I have a number of people in my life, who mean a lot to me, serving overseas or who have served in the past. But so much of it is God grabbing a hold of my heart and showing me what His heart is broken for. 

I really can't explain it.

You may know, I'm not the US Government's biggest fan and I HATE war. But not because I'm "political" or whatever comes to mind...but because it's all so far from the way Jesus lived...the was we are called to live. However, realistically, there will always be war...there HAS always been war. So, what do I do with that? Love? Let my heart continue to break? Cry? Pray? Love more? I guess so. I guess I'll love those that I am 'supposed' to hate. I guess I'll cry for the people being killed EVERYDAY. I guess I'll pray God will give me strength, that I could be strength to others. Because what else CAN I do, dammit!

Please, please pray for Jake's wife, Brittney, and his family and friends and those he served alongside!   

  

R.I.P. Lance Cpl. Jacob A. Ross

I am forever grateful!

SEMPER FI

Tessa...

I've written bits and pieces, a couple times, about this adorable little girl....This would be Tessa! She was my neighbor last summer and fall, but her family has since moved to New York. Tessa was a little blessing, but let me tell you...she was a TRIP! :) 

Before I had actually moved into my house, I spend sometime cleaning up outside and around the yard...that was when I first met Tessa. She was dyyyying to help, so she pulled weeds with me...and we talked about all kinds of stuff. She told me on more than one occasion how happy she was that I was moving in next door! It was so sweet! The day I actually moved in, she came running over to ask if she could help...and that she did. That girl carried stuff inside all afternoon...and even stuck around to eat pizza with us afterward. 

It wasn't long before I could count on a knock on my door  or a "Hey, Jen!" across the yard every couple days. She'd always come over in hopes of petting my bunny or playing with my dog or hanging out in my house. I spent some really great times with Tessa. My favorites, by far, were...Taking her to church for her first time, telling her about my homeless friends and  then having her come along to do street outreach with me one night, letting her finally hold my not-so-friendly bunny, and watching Matilda the night before she moved.

I don't think I'll be forgetting Tessa anytime soon... :)

 

(Neighborly Love & First Timer)

Closer In The End...

God's really been doing some serious, serious work on my heart recently! That 'work' He's doing doesn't always feel warm and fuzzy either...it's actually pretty darn painful at times.

But there isn't an ounce of me questioning the fact that God has got a plan. I don't, however, have a clue what that plan even remotely looks like...nor is it of any importance for me to try solve that puzzle. Things seem to work much, much better though when I leave the God-sized work up to God.

I guess what that leaves me with, then, would be...baby steps. Obedient, baby steps. Maybe some bigger steps, too. But nonetheless, careful, obedient steps. And sometimes He'll tell me to jump. So, I will have to obediently take that leap.

Honestly, though...those simple, little baby steps can sometimes feel like I'm running across the top of an enormous skyscraper and falling, feet kicking and arms flailing, into the middle of a fifthly city's obnoxious unruliness and screeching cars and screaming horns.

No, it's not always pretty...and it can be downright scary at times. As scary as plummeting off the top of a skyscraper. But, let me be the first to tell you, I did a whole heck of a lot to put myself in that 'not-so-pretty' spot. So, I've got no one else to blame. 

God IS going to rescue me from it, though. It's going to be in HIS time. According to HIS plan. Dependent on what will bring HIM the most glory. 

I'd say after all I've done in opposition to Him and all He's done in favor of me...it's more than fair. It's actually an amazing deal on my side of things. One I certainly don't deserve...one I could never, ever come close to earning.

So, for now, I need to be still. I need to listen. Listen for God telling me to take that step...to make that move. It won't be easy. It's going to hurt. There might be tears. But He's going to carry me through it. It's all going to bring me closer to Him. And regardless of the path it takes to get me there, it's the only place I ever want to be.      

Forgive...

I can't count the number of times I've read this over the last couple weeks.

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

- Colossians 3:12-15 (NLT)

"Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." There it is! What else is there to say? It's a requirement. You MUST forgive others. The end. There are no conditions to said forgiveness or circumstances in which it's an option. Forgive.

"Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you." I read that and start throwing out excuses. Man, that's not easy. And right now, I just don't want to. I'm mad. I'm still hurt. Look how I was wronged. Oh, but wait a minute...I start to hear God screaming, "IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU!"  

"Remember, the Lord forgave you..." That's right, He sure did. And look what I've done to hurt Him and wrong Him and upset Him. I promise you it was more than once...and I promise you it was much bigger than any wrong that will ever be done to me, any hurt that I will ever feel, or any anger that's stirred inside my being.

That's why God is God and I am not! His response to everything I've done is mercy and kindness and gentleness and patience and LOVE. He doesn't look my junk. He's FORGIVEN me. To Him, I appear perfect and without fault. How do you even begin to wrap your head around that one.

And that's the kind of love and forgiveness I am ordered to extend to someone who has "offended" me?

Well God, fill me with that love. Make me able to forgive. Let me be merciful. Humble my prideful heart and stubborn mind. Give me words and thoughts and actions that speak kindness and gentleness and nothing more.

Trial & Error...

I said this in some sort of joking manner...and in reference to photography, but in all reality I use the "trial and error" method all too often. It hit me as soon as I clicked send. I suppose using this approach to certain things may work. I, however, wouldn't recommend it as a means by which to live life. Now...if I could just take my own advice from the previous sentence I'd be in much better shape.

Although, if I were to be completely honest, my method isn't really "trial and error"...it's more like "trial and error and re-trial and same error and re-re-trail and saaame error..." on and on and on. Then, I usually end just up feeling hurt or saddened or defeated. You'd think I'd learn, right? 

The first time you try touching a hot stove is usually the last time you try touching a hot stove, is it not? That will cause a decent amount of pain and teach a lesson awfully quick. But I'm willing to bet that at some point in time, before touching that hot stove, someone told you not to. Maybe they'd touched it themselves and been burned, maybe they'd watch someone else touch it and get burned, or maybe they were just passing along a message they'd heard. Either way, there was warning or instruction or advice...however you want to look at it.

Okay, so life is a little more complicated than whether or not you burn your finger on a stove, but  I guess you could draw some parallels. Like that person warning you not to touch the stove...what if that 'person' was the God of the universe! The one who created you! The who created everything, ever! The one who loves you more than you could ever understand! What if He cared for you so much that He wanted to protect you from that hurt and that pain? And I don't mean a blister on the tip of your finger. I mean the pain that comes from an addiction, a break-up, a job loss, a shame-filled past, anger, hatred, loneliness, jealousy or whatever it is that makes you ache. Whatever is it!

He's given all of us all the warning, instruction, and advice we could ever need. His word is sufficient for each of those purposes.  But without reading those pages or opening our hearts to hearing what God is trying to tell us, we're stuck with our method of "trial and error".

So, maybe it isn't the most convenient thing in the world and maybe it takes time, but God will show you a clear path and an unmistakable plan if you are just willing to read the instructions and listen to His warnings. 

I wish I could, but I just can't explain the amazing joy I feel when, instead of trying to do things my way and ending a situation with an "error", I choose to be obedient and the situation ends with the feeling of being pleasing and glorify to the most high God!

So...thank you Lord. Thank you for your word and your love and your open, merciful arms that we can always, always run to!           

RIP Sweet Friend...

I literally just wrote last night about how much I missed some of my friends...and Wilda was one of those friends...(Missing My Friends)


"Wilda! Wilda! Wilda! I LOVE this lady. Sadly, she was the very first person I ever "lost". It was so hard to learn that sometimes you will see someone twice a week every week forever and then all of the sudden they are gone. I looked forward to seeing her every time I was out! I loved her amazing heart and spirit. She had tons of notebooks full of beautiful poems and kids' Sunday school lessons and blueprints for a home she hoped to one day have. She'd draw and write while she sat on the sidewalk in front of a Mexican restaurant selling items she had knitted, been given, or found in the trash. She would sit there ALL day long in the hot sun and then return to her spot on the front porch of an abandoned house every night just to get some sleep and do it all over again. Unfortunately, her "husband" was a bad piece of the equation and was a huge roadblock to Wilda getting on her feet...but as strong a woman as she was, Lewis was her weakness and she couldn't see that he was walking all over her. I pray for Wilda often...and even if I never see her again, there is no way I'll ever forget her!" 

Tonight I received word that Wilda passed away on July 22, 2009 after being struck by a car just off Washington St. and Emerson Ave. on the east side of Indianapolis. It's kind of of ironic how my words last night were..."Sadly, she was the very first person I ever "lost"." I guess that really rings true...up to this point, I've never had to face the death of a homeless friend. I think what breaks my heart the most is that no one knew about her death. But, there is no doubt that Wilda is at home with her heavenly father. This woman had such a beautifully strong faith...her love for the Lord just made her SHINE! So many people loved Wilda and she will continue to be missed. Rest in peace and God bless you sweet, sweet friend!

Missing My Friends...

I've been thinking about so many of my friends lately...and how much I miss them! Just wanted to share a few of them with you. I can't tell you how many people I've met out on the streets that have truly touched my life...I promise they've given me more than I've ever given them!

This is Juan and Denise. They recently moved to West Virgina and I haven't heard from them since the afternoon I drove down to the Greyhound station to say goodbye. I'll admit, they both have their struggles and have broken my heart a couple times, but I just can't help but love them. I hope they are doing great and are able to use this fresh start and keep themselves off the streets. This is my buddy, Rodney. He is such a sweet man. I haven't seen him since this winter, but last I heard from him he was staying in an apartment with a friend...I hope that is still the case. If you met this man you would just want to give him a big hug! At least that's the way I always felt. We almost always cracked the Bible open and he would share his favorite verses with me and I would share mine with him. We had tons of good conversations and he was always full of questions. Another thing I love about Rodney was how much he loved to help people...he was always taking "new" guys under his wing and setting them up with a few blankets and a spot next to him on the sidewalk. I miss this guy! Oh, Mickey! I've written about Mickey more than once and I could write about this man all night. He is such a beautiful soul. His heath is getting worse and I've heard his spirits are following suit. I really need to make it a priority to go visit him. After being released from the hospital he was placed in housing...Praise the Lord! He has been such a light in my life. I honestly don't think I've ever heard the man complain about anything! I'm so, so, so thankful for Mickey! For those of you who know him..."Oy vey!" :)
Here are a few other posts about Mickey --> "Update On Mickey...", "Music To My Ears, Literally...", and "Our Beautiful Friend, Mickey..."
Wilda! Wilda! Wilda! I LOVE this lady. Sadly, she was the very first person I ever "lost". It was so hard to learn that sometimes you will see someone twice a week every week forever and then all of the sudden they are gone. I looked forward to seeing her every time I was out! I loved her amazing heart and spirit. She had tons of notebooks full of beautiful poems and kids' Sunday school lessons and blueprints for a home she hoped to one day have. She'd draw and write while she sat on the sidewalk in front of a Mexican restaurant selling items she had knitted, been given, or found in the trash. She would sit there ALL day long in the hot sun and then return to her spot on the front porch of an abandoned house every night just to get some sleep and do it all over again. Unfortunately, her "husband" was a bad piece of the equation and was a huge roadblock to Wilda getting on her feet...but as strong a woman as she was, Lewis was her weakness and she couldn't see that he was walking all over her. I pray for Wilda often...and even if I never see her again, there is no way I'll ever forget her!

Punishment...

“Hey, Jena...”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think God is punishing me?”
“What!”
“Do you think God is punishing me?”
“You mean...because you’re sick?”
“Yeah. My medicine makes me tired and I can’t stay awake at night to finish reading my Bible.”

Our conversation this morning broke my heart. I wish I would have had something more profound to share with her. But I didn’t. All I could come up with was something generic about God not being “like that”.

But, why?

He’s PERFECT. He gave SO much. More than anyone could EVER comprehend. And we keep living like it’s no big deal. I keep living like it’s no big deal. God didn’t let his SON...his ONLY son, be ruthlessly tortured and brutally murdered so that I could walk around and constantly spit in his face by living a life full of my prideful, selfish sinfulness.

All I know is that if God gave me the punishment I actually deserved, it would have to be something so incredibly horrible; I can’t even begin to imagine. Something comparable to what Jesus endured. But, God will NEVER ever bestow that punishment upon me...the punishment I so much deserve. His PERFECT son took MY place on that cross. I should have been hung on that cross. And that is simply the truth.

So, back to my God’s not “like that” answer. He isn’t. He loves me and He loves you and He loves EVERY person He created. Sometimes I have to remind myself just how much God really does love me. He sent his son to this earth to DIE so that I could live. So that I could be free from the bondage of sin in my life. So that I could spend eternity with Him. These words are so beautiful to me: “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...” (Romans 8:1)

When I gave my life up for the life God had in store for me, I became a new person. The old “me” died, just like Christ died on the cross. (2 Corinthians 5:17) And just as he rose from the dead, I rose with Him. (Romans 6) That sin, that evil nature that resonated inside me, no longer has any control. My sin, those moments I look back on and feel as though I’ve spit right in God’s face, are no longer counted against me.

Can you even wrap you head around that? I can’t. The creator or the universe, the one who placed the stars in the sky and knows the number of grains of sand on every beach and made my heart beat...that “guy”...He is on MY side. I have a power in my corner, fighting for me, this power is greater than any broken heart or addiction or deep regret. He is bigger. And He chooses to lift every last bit of my junk off my shoulders. God wipes the slate clean. It’s gone. It’s ALL gone. Now, that is how He is going to see me for the rest of eternity, as flawless as the one who took my place, because that is how much He loves me. And that’s how much He loves each and every person on this earth.

So, no, I don’t have the answer to why my friend is sick. But, I sure don’t think its punishment.

It's Just A God Thing...

I am simply...BLOWN AWAY!

Have you ever had one of those moments where you KNOW God is completely behind EVERYTHING that is happening? A moment when you realize that there is NO WAY that a specific chain of events could just be "coincidence". The last few days smacked me square in the face with thoughts like those.

Yesterday I was running and rushing around trying to work on that never ending to-do list. There wasn't too much going my way. My car isn't running, on top of that a tire is flat, I couldn't get the doors to the van unlocked because it was so cold, I got to the store and realized I left my debit card at home, when I pulled out my checkbook to pay my ink pen exploded ALL over my hands, and by that time I was supposed to be home 5 minutes ago to meet my best friend. Laura and I went to watch a move and got out later than expected. It was time to meet up for outreach and I still needed to run to the store. My phone starts ringing and I was sure it was going to be someone asking where I was, but it was Kim letting me know she was running late. Thank goodness, me too. I hurried home and threw my warm clothes on and the phone rings again. This time Kim was calling to let me know that the guys weren't coming. That left just us girls...and "outreach rules" say girls can't go out alone. Well, if you know Kim or me you could guess that we were going anyways. :)

We made it to the first camp and ALL the street lights were out, it was DARK! Really? Someone sure was trying hard to keep us from the streets that night...but, I hopped out and ran over to a few tents and hollered for some of our friends, it always makes us a little more comfortable to have a couple guys around that we trust. Mike, Eric, and Scott jumped right up with us. We hit a few more camps after that and decided we were going to head downtown to see if you could find anyone wanting to go in for the night -- it was bitter cold.

There didn't seem to be anyone out. We drove around the circle and spotted a couple guys who looked like they might want a cup of hot soup. I jumped out to go talk with them and as we walked back to the truck Kim came running around the corner telling me that we were taking this girl to the hospital now, so hurry . I had no idea she had even gotten out of the truck.

Mary was her name and Kim saw her struggling to carry an overstuffed duffle bag and a couple smaller plastic bags. She was in some serious pain. Come to find out the poor girl hadn't been to the bathroom in 8 DAYS! Ouch! Oh, and it happened to be her birthday as well...lovely way to spend a birthday, right? We got her to Wishard as fast as we could and sat with her until she was admitted. The doctors practically kicked us out of the room, so we headed back to the dat House to unload the truck. As far as we knew, that was that. Maybe we'd see her again one day, but maybe not. What we were certain of though, was that God put us exactly where He needed us that night. We hardly ever go to the circle anymore, because no one is allowed to feed there (and we won't even get started on that)...but God obviously pushed us in that direction for a very specific reason.

Here's where it gets good...

This morning I got up extra early and visited the 8:30 service at a church in my neighborhood. Well, Indy Metro, the church I attend doesn't start until 10:30, so I had time to kill. I stopped at MoJoe's and got a yummy latte and then started to head toward the bridges to see if I could talk any of the guys into coming to church. Here I am, driving down the street and all of the sudden I see that HUGE black and purple duffle bag...it was MARY! I hurried around the block so I could pull up beside her and asked if I could take her anywhere. She just wanted to get into a shelter. I told her she could come to church with me and then we would find her a place to stay. After church we ended up going out to lunch with some friends…and here is where it gets good again...

We asked Mary what kind of food sounded good and she said Italian, so we decided on Buca Di Beppo. Well, I was driving, so I dropped everyone off at the door and went to look for a parking spot. As I'm driving I spot a couple guys who looked familiar. I had to do a double take, but it was Eric and Josh, a couple guys from under the bridge. I honked and waved. Eric ran over and I asked him if I could give him a ride. So, I dropped the guys off at the library and went back around the block and continued looking for a parking spot. Okay, so there is no way this ISN’T a God thing. I saw the guys because they were walking up the street that Buca is on...We went to Buca because Mary wanted Italian...The only reason Mary was with us was because she was walking near the coffee shop where I stopped to get Chai...and the only reason I stopped to get Chai was because I was early for church since I miraculously woke up early enough (and I’m not a morning person) to make it to an 8:30 service. I mean, I could keep going...

Anyways, it was a great lunch. And back to my promise of getting her a place to sleep...the only shelter I could get her into didn’t do check-in until 4:00. I took her back to the office and got her a coat and some warm clothes and gave her the Handbook of Help, which lists all kinds of service providers (A good friend of mine called it the "Homeless Tour Guide", haha!). I walked her into the shelter and made plans to come get her in the morning to take her back to the hospital for her surgery.

This little snippet of the last couple days doesn’t even begin to explain the ways God is at work all around me. I’m just so glad that He is letting me be a part of it…that He has a purpose for me and can use me in small ways.

Please be praying for Mary if you would. I’m so thankful God brought her into my life. She is a sweet woman and has quite a story to tell. God bless you, Mary!

RIP Meisa...

So, sad news...I lost my bunny today! He was the freakin' cutest little guy! And if you know me at all, you know I'm one of those people who loves their pets as much as most people love their children, so..I'm sure missing him! :'( Here's his little grave behind my house! RIP little bunny!

Some Things...

Life has been a kind of rough lately and times like these make it easy to just retreat and be mad at the world, seriously! But, I know God has a plan...and even when my selfish flesh steps in and throws a big fat wrench in things...He ends up using it. Now, how can I not be thankful for that. The "crap" I've done and been through the last 23 years can and WILL be used for His glory. The moments I actually cling to that are the ones I experience the most peace and freedom!

And those of you who really know me know that music and lyrics are one of my "escapes"...so needless to say...the music has been BLARING the last few days! :) This song has been a favorite for a long time...and it's perfect right now! I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt, but...I really am "Thankful, For Every Break In My Heart, I'm Grateful, For Every Scar..." Because I've been here before and know all too well that I can't go backward...so I'll go forward and just keep learning.

Lessons Learned -- Carrie Underwood

There's Some Things That I Regret,
Some Words I Wish Had Gone Unsaid,
Some Starts,
That Had Some Better Endings,
Been Some Bad Times I've Been Through,
Damage I Cannot Undo.
Some Things,
I Wish I Could Do All All Over Again,
But It Don't Really Matter,
When Life Gets That Much Harder,
It Makes You That Much Stronger,
Oh, Some Pages Turned,
Some Bridges Burned,
But There Were,
Lessons Learned.

And Every Tear That Had To Fall From My Eyes,
And Everyday I Wondered How I'd Get Through The Night,
Every Change, Life Has Thrown Me,
I'm Thankful, For Every Break In My Heart,
I'm Grateful, For Every Scar,
Some Pages Turned,
Some Bridges Burned,
But There Were Lessons Learned.

There's Mistakes That I Have Made,
Some Chances I Just Threw Away,
Some Roads,
I Never Should Have Taken,
Been Some Signs I Didn't See,
Hearts That I Hurt Needlessly,
Some Wounds,
That I Wish I Could Have One More Chance To Mend,
But It Don't Make No Difference,
The Past Can't Be Rewritten,
You Get The Life You're Given,
Oh, Some Pages Turned,
Some Bridges Burned,
But There Were,
Lessons Learned.

And All The Things That Break You,
Are The Things That Make You Strong.
You Can't Change The Past,
Cause It's Gone.
And You Just Gotta Move On,
Because It's All
Lessons Learned.